Starting a company, developing an idea, launching a product… All tough tasks. But some entrepreneurs unknowingly sabotage their chances at the most critical point — the fundraising process.
If you don’t want to get investment, just follow these steps to the letter!
1. Never Respond to Investor Messages
They might have reached out via LinkedIn, email, or even handed you their business card at an event.
Best strategy: Never reply. Keeping them waiting creates mystery!
2. Make Your Pitch Deck 50 Slides Long
Sure, short and clear presentations might be what investors like, but we’re not here to get funding, right?
Fill it with endless stats, unreadable tiny text, and 3D charts… The more complicated, the better!
3. Say “We Have No Competitors”
Yes, you’re the only one in the world. No one has done, can do, or will ever do what you do.
This line instantly builds investor confidence!
4. Define Your Market as Small as Possible
“Our target audience is engineers who love cats and live only in Alsancak.”
Small market = small risk!
5. Never Talk About Your Team
Don’t show the people building the product and carrying the vision. Just display your logo.
After all, investors don’t really like seeing people(!).
6. Make Your Projections Pure Fantasy
“We’ll be a unicorn in three months” or “We’ll hit $1 billion in revenue in our first year.”
No need to back up the numbers.
7. Don’t Show the Product or a Demo
“Our product is ready, but we can’t show it right now” — a classic favorite.
Mystery = Value!
Final Word
If you follow these steps, the chances of investors knocking on your door will drop to almost zero.
Of course, we’re totally serious! But you shouldn’t be — this article is for humor purposes only. In real life, doing the exact opposite will make your fundraising journey much easier.